Please note, some of this story is a little gross and a little scary…but if that doesn’t define Motherhood I don’t know what does.

My first pregnancy was wonderful. I was one of the lucky ones who got pregnant right away, had no morning sickness, and truly loved being pregnant. The day after my due date I received a text from my cousin at 5:30 am (which was weird in its own right because I didn’t think she knew that 5:30 am existed) that said I think you’re going to have the baby today. I responded that she was crazy because there was absolutely no sign that the baby was coming and went back to bed. As I rolled over I felt a sudden GUSH of water (I obviously thought I peed my pants but after serious thought I realized that my water had in fact broken) and tried to make my way to the bathroom as gracefully as I could. That obviously did not happen because I seriously underestimated how much fluid was up in there. After visiting my midwife we decided that it was best to be induced and to meet at the hospital at 1pm.

Knowing I was in for a long journey, I slapped on a diaper (Mamas to be—Depends are your best friends for pre and post delivery) and headed over to Heart and Crown to enjoy some fish and chips. A few hours later I was hooked up to an IV being induced and I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I thought I had a relatively high pain threshold but being induced is torture. It starts off slowly until finally you’re crying out like a baby dinosaur not making any sense demanding an epidural. Instead of the epidural they give you laughing gas (child’s play) and a shot in the leg (hurt like a b*tch and did nothing) until finally they give you the good stuff. Unfortunately, my epidural didn’t work really well so I still felt a lot of pain but at least it was better. After 24 hours of labour it was time to push. Now, I know I’m a woman and should probably know more about my body, but I didn’t and I was not ready for what was to come. I kind of thought you pushed a few times (max an hour) and then boom a baby pops out like in the movies. No, I pushed for 3 HOURS until finally Peanut came out. That’s when things got really scary. Peanut came out blue. The cord was wrapped around her neck a little bit and she wasn’t breathing. I knew things were bad when they cut the cord super fast (I was expecting chest to chest right away), heard a code go off on the intercom and saw a bunch of people run into the room. It was the longest few minutes of my life until finally I heard the baby cry and they told me she was going to be ok. Then things got worse, I heard another code go and even more doctors and nurses came running in, except this time it was for me. I used a mirror for delivery (some say that’s gross but it helped me push through everything) and when I looked at the mirror I was just gushing blood. To give you a better visual my husband describes it as “more gory than a predator movie” so there’s that. At that point they were sticking me with so many needles I didn’t know what was going on and finally I looked at one of the doctors and asked if I was going to die. She then calmly looked me in the eyes and said that they may have to perform a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding but we’re going to do everything we can. At that point I said they can have my uterus I’m done having kids let me just hold my baby. It’s funny the things you remember during those times though. I remember one of the midwives telling me to “tell my body to stop bleeding” and I yelled back “That’s not SCIENCE.” I remember looking at my poor husband and thinking, why the hell is he wearing basketball shorts, a dress shirt and skater shoes and then thinking why do I care about that right now. I then remember telling him I loved him just in case I didn’t make it and to watch our baby girl for me (sounds dramatic now but at the time I was worried I was going to be put under for surgery and not wake up). I remember going to the OR and the sounds of chasing cars was going through my mind and thinking Oh God the Mother ALWAYS dies in Grey’s Anatomy. And then I remember the doctor looking at me, grabbing my hand and saying that they stopped the bleeding and that I was going to be ok. It was at that moment I knew what it was like to be a Mom because at that point I didn’t even really care that I was going to live for me, I was just happy I was going to live to be there for my daughter.

After getting stitched up in the OR (RIP Vajayjay after delivering a 9 pound 12 ounce baby) I was brought back into the room where my parents, hubby and most importantly, my baby girl were waiting for me. Side note before I started pushing, my Mom knocked on the door and was like “I’m HEREEEEE” and I shouted back “NOT NOW NANCY” so my poor mom had to wait outside the door until a nurse kicked her out and then she had to wait for 3 hours not knowing what was going on. Thank God she wasn’t in the room while everything was happening because she would have had a heart attack. When I entered the room my mom mentioned how pale I was (Thanks Mom) and the nurse said I had lost 2 litres of blood…which in case you didn’t know is a LOT of blood and without medical intervention you can die. All of that didn’t seem to matter though because as soon as that baby girl was placed in my arms I knew everything was going to be ok. At least for the 2 seconds I had her before the shakes started coming fast and furious now that the adrenaline was dying down. The next day was actually my Hubby’s Birthday (I tried to keep my legs crossed until his birthday for the best gift ever but didn’t work out that way) and I remember the nurse saying I could finally shower so I woke him up, said Happy Birthday, gave him the baby and went and had the most glorious shower in a super nasty hospital shower but it didn’t even matter. Sadly, we were stuck in the hospital for 5 more days because I had to have 2 blood transfusions (I always think that if I would have delivered in a previous century I would have died so there’s that), and Peanut had to stay because she had jaundice. Finally we were able to break out of the hospital and I still remember being in disbelief that they just let you leave with this tiny little human but they did just that.

I’ll admit that at first I didn’t feel that indescribable Motherly love that everyone talks about. I mean I loved her because she was my baby but I wasn’t in love with this little stranger. Maybe it was because I was still dealing with the trauma of nearly dying or maybe it was because of something else but I definitely felt guilty for not experiencing it at first. Then as time went on and I got to know this beautiful baby girl, I developed a love that I had never experienced before. You think you love your friends and family, and you do, but then you see your baby smile at you for the first time and you know in that moment that nothing in your life shines as bright as that toothless little smile. So there it is, my story on how I became a Mama. It wasn’t a fairy tale story but it was my story and I’m proud of the warrior mama that it made me.